Reborn

It has been so long since I last posted something here. Today, I am a whole new person since that last post. The same yet different. I am back where I started, back in KL, single (technically, divorced) but with kids. Redirecting my life to where I always wanted it to be, more academic and more religious, hopefully. People has been asking whether I am looking, whether I want to be remarried. I am and I do but it's not easy to find "the one" in this day and age. A relative of mine once commented, "you need to find someone of status, berkedudukan in her words". I laughed at it and said... the problem is these people don't want me. The truth is... what I am looking for in a man is someone who is more religious than me. I want someone who fears God more than me. I want someone who loves The Messenger more than me. Someone who is more knowledgeable than me religiously and not only has the knowledge, also practices it wholeheartedly. Not someone who has more money, more status or is more handsome/beautiful.

But when I think about it, if I ever say it out loud like I'm saying it now, will people say that I am so stuck up, perasan bagus, or rasa hebat sgt? Alaa, yg penting hati. Solat tonggang tonggeng 5 waktu pon belum tentu Allah terima solat tu kan. Perhaps. I can't guarantee my amalan diterima or good enough but I want someone who can make me a better person, in and out. In - niat dan hati. Out - character. I don't want someone who would be with me for what I look right now. I am not beautiful and it has never been the quality I offer to anyone. Take me as I am. I am not into beauty so much. So you can't leave me because I don't dress right, or don't put on any make up or because I grow fatter.

I also need a man who can stand up for me and also against me when I am wrong. I admit I am a strong figure. I am an alpha female. But I need a man who is stronger, who has authority over me, who I can totally respect, who is strong enough to correct me when I am wrong but also strong enough to listen to me when I correct him, who won't feel emasculated. 

All these said... I hope this man has an ambition to build a successful, religious family with me. Someone who will not walk away from me when his love for me faded but will be contented with me and the family. Someone who could treat my kids as his own and would respect my relationship with the father of my children and his family.

I guess that's a lot to ask for in a man but I will have to keep searching. If I don't find this person, I guess I am contented to stay single my whole life. Or perhaps too early for me to make this kind of comment, I don't know. Just go with the flow.

 

Lifehouse - Blind

"Blind"

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

After all this why
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

Pink - Who Knew

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

KATY PERRY - The One That Got Away

Summer after high school when we first met
We'd make out in your Mustang to Radiohead
And on my 18th Birthday
We got matching tattoos

Used to steal your parents' liquor
And climb to the roof
Talk about our future
Like we had a clue
Never planned that one day
I'd be losing you

In another life
I would be your girl
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away

I was June and you were my Johnny Cash
Never one without the other, we made a pact
Sometimes when I miss you
I put those records on (Whoa)

Someone said you had your tattoo removed
Saw you downtown singing the Blues
It's time to face the music
I'm no longer your muse

But in another life
I would be your girl
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away
The o-o-o-o-o-one [x3]
The one that got away

[Bridge:]
All this money can't buy me a time machine (Nooooo)
Can't replace you with a million rings (Nooooo)
I should've told you what you meant to me (Whoa)
'Cause now I pay the price

In another life
I would be your girl
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away
The o-o-o-o-o-one [x3]

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away

Kelly Clarkson - What doesn't kill you (Stronger)

You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in colour
And do the things I want

You think you got the best of me
Think you've had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on over you

You didn't think that I'd come back
I'd come back swinging
You try to break me, but you see

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking about me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

[2x]
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

(When I'm alone)

Flashlight

You know the song Flashlight by Jessie J, made famous by the movie Pitch Perfect 2? My girls love that song coz their father loves putting it on for them to watch, the final performance by the Barbon Bellas. Last night, hubby picked the girls up from Nilai. On the way back, Ziq was sleeping and hubby and Trisyia were singing their hearts out in the car. Hubby tried to wake Ziq up by making noise, biting her arm and disturbing her but she just refused to wake up. Then, Trisyia said... just put on flashlight, she will wake up. So hubby did at a moderate volume. To his amazement, Ziq DID wake up and then started singing that song. 1) Okay... she is OBSESSED with that song. 2) How sweet of Trisyia to know THAT? I didn't know that. Small joys in life. ^_^

Christina Perri - Human

Christina Perri - Human

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that's what you need
Be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I'm only human
I'm only human
Just a little human

I can take so much
'Til I've had enough

'Cause I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

April 2015

I guess updating blog is now a monthly affair? Haha. Well, at least it is still updated. I always write imaginary posts in my head but very seldom they actually came to life here. Now now. Where should I start.

Let's start with something small. Haziqa's 2 front upper teeth have started showing. Haziqa's constipation problem is still lingering since 2 weeks ago. A couple of times, she needed to be assisted just to pass motion as the poop was just to big to come out naturally. I nearly cried the first time I assisted her. The second time it happened, it was during the day and the maid, Bik Su, helped her. Currently her poop is still hard but somehow managed to come out without any assistance.

We are now annual pass holders at Legoland, Malaysia! On 3rd of April, it was hubby's weekend off from his duties at the petrol station. We went for an impromptu getaway to Johor. So impromptu that when we exited Nilai, we had no idea where we were going. Since Johor had more activities for the kids, so we decided to go there. Stayed at Le Grandeur Palm Resort near Senai airport. It was a nice quiet place for our supposedly relaxing weekend. Went to Sanrio Hello Kitty Town for the first time and since we were quite late, we went to The Little Big Club only (on the 2nd and 3rd floor. Hello Kitty Land was on the 1st floor.) It was okay but we couldn't believe people would rate this place higher than Legoland. The next day, instead of going back straight, hubby surprised Tricia by bringing her to her favourite place in the whole wide world, LEGOLAND! It was raining when we arrived and that didn't stop us from having fun. Luckily, the rain didn't last long and we went back at almost 7pm that day.

Being too stressed from working, hubby had been asking to take a break, away from the kids, for a weekend. I, on the other hand couldn't stand being separated from the kids at night so I wouldn't want to go away overnight without them (which lead us to Johor that weekend). But coming back from the trip, he still felt tired and not rejuvenated that he asked for my blessing to go on a solo trip for ONE WHOLE WEEK. Initially, I freaked out. I did't think I could be separated from him that long, especially without a valid reason (i.e. not work). But after having a heart-to-heart talk with him, he said I can come along if I want to but he just wants a week of solitude... not caring about anything in the world. So in the end I gave up and let him go. While I obviously will make through just fine from this one week getaway of his, I am not sure how her daughter Tricia would survive. T_T First night, my MIL called me when I was on the way home because Tricia was already crying that her father was not home. This morning she refused to go to school because her papa was not around to send her. 6 more days to go. And worse still, I'm joining my husband for the weekend for 2 nights. 1 night she and her sister will be away at Tokma and Cacik's place in KL but 2nd night... they will be back home to normalcy, which I think would make her feel our absence even more. Hope we will make it through the week in one piece. x_x

On a more awkward note, Tricia has started asking me when will she start growing boobies. =_= Too early to worry about that, sweetheart.

March 2015

It had been a hectic year so far at work and given everyone's tight schedule, it's harder to take leave these days. However, last weekend I managed to take 2 days and it was so much joyyy!!! Haha.

Friday:

Didn't achieve much on the first day of leave. Wanted to renew our passports and make a new one for Haziqa but we arrived at immigration Menara Ikhlas at 11am and they were out of numbers. Actually we can still do Haziqa's passport but I forgot to bring her birth cert. Went back to have lunch in Nilai and got Tricia's ears pierced!

And then, hubby and I left the kids and rushed to Shah Alam and he bought me this!

After that, we rushed to Bangi for our cousin's akad. Then rushed again to KL to have drinks at the Helipad, Menara KH.

Saturday (The Reception):

Sunday: Spent time with hubby at the station in the morning and went to PGL in concert with mummy in the afternoon and Red Lobster, The Quill right after.

Monday: Finally managed to renew my passport and made Haziqa's passport and renew my licence! Did shopping to furnish the Starzvalley house before GST. Oh yeah, I received the keys the week before. ^_^

In the evening, celebrated Haziqa's birthday, a week later. Just a low key affair with the family.

At 11 months, can drink using straw.
At 12 months, can walk more steadily and still in the process to grow her confidence now.
At 12 months, first 2 teeth FINALLY coming out.

Eat on time.

Of all the things I learn at 30 years old, it shocked me that this is one of them. Eat properly. Yesterday, I spent the whole day alone with the 2 kids. By 9pm, I was already so cranky. I was thinking maybe I'm not built for this. Maybe I'm just a lousy mom, who can't handle taking care of her own kids full day alone. It even crossed my mind that at times like these, I sometimes regretted having 2 children close apart because it is just too much for me to handle them by myself. Little that I know that the solution was so simple.

Last weekend, hubby pointed out that our youngest daughter is exactly like me, even to the point that she is cranky when she is hungry. Well, who isn't, right? But my hubby said I am EXTREMELY cranky when I'm hungry. So last night was just a prove how right he was. My last meal was at 12pm. At 7pm, I was already hungry so I cooked some rice. But busy handling the kids, I put off eating until way after 10pm. And by then, I was as scary as a cookie monster. I even refused to talked to my husband when he called me that night! (which is very rare because I always LOVE talking to my sunshine.) After grumbling to my friends, one of the moms in that group pointed out, never skip your meal as it will make you grumpy and that would affect your mood and how you handle your children too. So screw "diet". I ate at 10pm, then wallahhhh... my mood improved immediately. By right, if I had eaten on time, it would be a healthy diet as it would give time for the food to digest before I went to bed. Lesson learned.

And my conclusion from this lesson? Hubby knows me better than I know myself. Wahahaha.

Our evening cycle/walk/stroll

A Gift for a Muslim Bride

Currently reading:

A friend recommended this book and I must say I'm in love with it. Am motivated to be a better wife for my husband. ^_^ And I absolutely recommend this to all wives out there. 

Haziqa's eczema. Tricia's first day of school. Tricia toilet trained.

Two weeks ago, both my daughters fell sick. Tricia was down with high fever on Thursday so we came home from work and brought her straight to the nearest clinic. Luckily we got the "insert" medicine because her fever shot up in the middle of the night. That same night, Haziqa couldn't stop crying. Initially, I thought she was just being cranky. She cried non-stop until I couldn't take it anymore and I passed her over to her father. My husband... sleepily... took the baby, turn on the lights and remove Haziqa's shirt and found the problem in 10 seconds. Her body was red all over and she was crying because it was very itchy for her. T_T poor baby. Mummy didn't think of that at all. I put her expensive QV lotion for sensitive skin (because she has eczema. Don't know where/who she got it from.) all over her and rub her to sleep. Only after that she managed to sleep.

Having very little sleep that night, I asked my boss whether I could take EL the next day, which I did. Brought the kids to their paed in Seremban and Haziqa got a cream for her fungal infection on her skin. Then both of them had to use the nebulizer for their phlegm. Tricia was weak the whole Friday and since she didn't recover on Saturday, my mom agreed that it was time to take the antibiotic that was given to us earlier. Only after that, she returned to her normal active self. Phew... what a long weekend that was to me. 

I was on regular leave on Monday because it was Tricia's first day at her kindergarten. My husband, my mom and I went to send her off on her very first day. She didn't cry, which was expected because when I brought her over to survey for schools earlier, she seemed excited and eager to start school. She looked worried to be left behind but after I explained to her that we will pick her up, she put on a brave face and went on. 

Oh, she was toilet train (during the day) for about a week when she started school (YEAY, FINALLY) so she refused to wear pampers to school. "Pagi pakai spentot, malam pakai pampers" she would say. But her father was worried she's still not comfortable with the teachers that she might have some "accidents" later so before I left her, I brought her over to the toilet and explained to her the situation. She let me put the pampers on and went on to join her classmates.

 

Haziqa's progress: 9 months

At 8 months 3 weeks, Haziqa has started to stand and lift her hands up. Although still wobbly and not stable, she has started to take her first few steps at 9 months. No sign of her first tooth yet.

Tricia is 3. Haziqa is 8 months.

I find it more and more difficult these days to find time to update my blog. So quick summary.

We went to Legoland Malaysia twice, just one month apart. Weekend 10-12 October and last weekend 8-9 November. The first time I just wanted a getaway. But Tricia had so much fun, she asked to go again every single night after we came back so we went again on her birthday weekend.

That said... on 10 November 2014, Batrisyia Hana is THREE!!! Oh how time flies.

Hubby and his guy siblings are opening a shop in Seremban 3 selling stationeries, handphone accessories, photocopy services and many more. I foresee very little weekend time together after this.

And while we were leaving the shop yesterday, Haziqa fell head first onto the pathway. My heart broke into pieces to see she scraped her forehead. Although her injuries are limited, I cried when I was comforting her. T_T Oh she's 8 months today. ^_^ My darling little baby. Been standing up with support for 2 weeks or so already.

I am down with flu and cough now actually. Got it from the kids last week and it got so bad up to the point that I slept whole day last Thursday, got 2 days MC for Thursday Friday, went to work for a bit on Friday, and again down with fever Friday night. When was the last time I fell this sick? Can't recall. Good then, I guess.

Haziqa 6m: Crawling phase

Before I missed this update out, here's a quick one. Haziqa has started her crawling pose for a few weeks now... to my surprise actually, coz I just told hubby I thought she would be starting all these muscle exercises later since she is quite clingy. She definitely likes to prove people (who look down on her) wrong.

6 months also marked the day I could open her ASB account, which I did. On top of that, I had also opened a Tabung Haji account for both my daughters and registered them for Hajj. Their turn would be in year 2075. 

Tricia 2y9m

1) Left hubby and the kids in the car while I went to pray at a petrol station. When I was done, hubby looked like he was searching for something. He kept asking where were his glasses. I thought he meant sunglasses because he was wearing his daily glasses that time. When he couldn't find it, he asked Tricia... "mane specs papa?". Innocently, she pointed to his eyes. "Tu!" Wahahahaha. It WAS what he was looking for. It was so funny. 

2) Hubby has never been the one to scold Tricia but whenever Tricia hurt his feelings, he would give her silent treatment. There had been a couple of occasions where I had to teach Tricia to pujuk her papa by saying sorry and hugging him. Sometimes I nearly cried when she tried so hard but hubby still ignored her. However, recently, the table turned. Hubby was tickling Tricia even though she kept telling him no. When he wouldn't stop, Tricia gave HIM the silent treatment. I was so shocked. Her papa was begging her to say something... and kept laughing nervously... trying to break her silence. After awhile, he said sorry to her. Only then she stopped her silent treatment. OMG! I really couldn't believe it.
3) That same day in the car, Tricia suddenly made a statement that shocked me. "Mummy tu, asyik cium adik je." What????? Though I knew the statement is true, I just didn't expect it to come from her, at this age! So I said... but you never let me kiss you. Come here. She came to the back... but was quite a distance from me. I asked her to come closer to kiss her cheeks but she INSTRUCTED me to kiss her head. When I kissed once... she asked me for more. "Lagi... Lagi... Lagi..." Errr, why suddenly mummy kene bully?

4) It is known and expected that mummy will always bring her milk powder and can produce her milk on demand. When I told her, "susu takde". She looked at me and said "buat la". =_=

5) Took leave last Monday to scout for kindergarten. Went to see 3 schools. Hubby brought Tricia and I to the last one we went to. While talking to the teacher, Tricia said "papa... taknak sekolah nih". Err... quite surprised to hear her voice out her preference. The last school is nice... very elite but less "kindy".
The one we (Tricia and I) like is unfortunately quite far from the house. No transportation available. Unsuccessful to persuade Aleep's (Tricia's cousin) parents to move him to the same school, hubby told me to just go ahead if that is what I really wanted. He will work something out. I am really touched by hubby's gesture. So I guess we have picked a kindy already! Tricia is excited to start her session soon coz she's been telling everyone, "mummy bawak Tica pegi school". ^_^

Toilet training Tricia

I have been "slightly" peer-pressured into toilet training Tricia. Moreover, I wanted to send her to kindergarten soon and most kindergarten would require the child to be toilet trained. I can't depend on the maid to do it especially now that we were left with one, instead of two, to look after the kids. Since this weekend and next weekend would be a long 3-day weekend for me... I felt that maybe I should just give it a try. 

Day 1: Despite telling her many times to tell me when she needs to pee, she kept having "accidents" and peed in my room, the kitchen, the living room. She only told me after the accident happened. Whenever I scolded her for not peeing in the toilet, she cried and promised me to pee in the toilet the next time but then accidents happened again. 

The first two times was probably my fault. I didn't bring her to the toilet often enough. But the third time, I just brought her to the toilet 10 mins before. I didn't have the heart to scold her so many times so when she took her nap at 7pm, I told her to put on her pampers again. Enough training for one day.

I know my friends told me that I can't do it on weekends only. The training must continue during weekdays. But given the circumstances, it is not possible. I would stick to my weekends routine... until she is more in control of her bladder. 

Who knows parenting can be sooo difficult. =p

Haziqa's first solid food

Last Friday, at 5 months 5 days, I fed Haziqa with banana puree with breast milk added to it. She looked excited to eat her first ever solid food. Why I started relatively early? She just looked too excited whenever she saw me eating. I searched online and found that we could introduce solid food as young as 4 months. Just introduce one solid at a time so I chose banana as it doesn't require "cooking". Just cut the banana into small pieces, mash it, add breast milk and done! Anddd She loved it. She even cried a little when I was too slow to feed her. I didn't give a lot though. Let's start small first. Gave a bigger portion to her yesterday. And so far she hasn't poo yet. I hope it didn't upset her young stomach. 

IUD

Last month I called to make an appointment to see my gynae to put in IUD. Since my gynae is very bz, I only managed to secure an appointment after raya. Silly me I didn't write down the appointment date and went the week before. Woke up super early that Saturday only to find out I got the wrong date!

After that, Abby went to see her gynae and her gynae told her to wait for her period before installing hers (mainly coz she never went through normal delivery before). I got discouraged (since I haven't gotten my period yet due to breast-feeding) so I was contemplating not going for my appointment. My mom caught wind of it and forced me to go anyway. After consulting my friend, Dr G, I decided to go. However, we (my mom and I) woke up late that day so I went for the afternoon session. My mom took the number for me at 11.30am and we got the 3rd last number for the day. Arrived there at 3.30pm and only managed to see my Dr at 5.45pm. Kesian Dr saye ramai patient. When I entered the room, she joked "I heard you are pregnant". *jaw drop* ahahaha.

Anyway, my Dr said okay to put in my IUD. Yeayyy. Finally. Been trying to get it installed since my post-natal check up. But since I delivered via C-sec this time, Dr advised me to wait 3 months for the wound to be completely healed as she fear the thing would stick to my wound. Now I can testify to it. To install is not painful... it is just a bit uncomfortable. I just didn't expect that much blood after the procedure. However, I also think the procedure "induced" my period because the day after installation, I had a very bad pain at my lower back. And my breast milk supply was also affected. It was significantly less this whole week, which according to my friend could also be affected by period. Hope it recovers soon...

Haziqa dah sunat

After 3 attempts, we finally managed to send Haziqa for circumcision today. A week to 5 months, at 4m3w Haziqa dah sunat at Kilinik Sariah by Dr Sariah herself. She didn't cry but let out a "eeeekkk" a bit to tell me something was happening. Alhamdulillah all went well.