Reborn

It has been so long since I last posted something here. Today, I am a whole new person since that last post. The same yet different. I am back where I started, back in KL, single (technically, divorced) but with kids. Redirecting my life to where I always wanted it to be, more academic and more religious, hopefully. People has been asking whether I am looking, whether I want to be remarried. I am and I do but it's not easy to find "the one" in this day and age. A relative of mine once commented, "you need to find someone of status, berkedudukan in her words". I laughed at it and said... the problem is these people don't want me. The truth is... what I am looking for in a man is someone who is more religious than me. I want someone who fears God more than me. I want someone who loves The Messenger more than me. Someone who is more knowledgeable than me religiously and not only has the knowledge, also practices it wholeheartedly. Not someone who has more money, more status or is more handsome/beautiful.

But when I think about it, if I ever say it out loud like I'm saying it now, will people say that I am so stuck up, perasan bagus, or rasa hebat sgt? Alaa, yg penting hati. Solat tonggang tonggeng 5 waktu pon belum tentu Allah terima solat tu kan. Perhaps. I can't guarantee my amalan diterima or good enough but I want someone who can make me a better person, in and out. In - niat dan hati. Out - character. I don't want someone who would be with me for what I look right now. I am not beautiful and it has never been the quality I offer to anyone. Take me as I am. I am not into beauty so much. So you can't leave me because I don't dress right, or don't put on any make up or because I grow fatter.

I also need a man who can stand up for me and also against me when I am wrong. I admit I am a strong figure. I am an alpha female. But I need a man who is stronger, who has authority over me, who I can totally respect, who is strong enough to correct me when I am wrong but also strong enough to listen to me when I correct him, who won't feel emasculated. 

All these said... I hope this man has an ambition to build a successful, religious family with me. Someone who will not walk away from me when his love for me faded but will be contented with me and the family. Someone who could treat my kids as his own and would respect my relationship with the father of my children and his family.

I guess that's a lot to ask for in a man but I will have to keep searching. If I don't find this person, I guess I am contented to stay single my whole life. Or perhaps too early for me to make this kind of comment, I don't know. Just go with the flow.