The Last Respect

I woke up around 6.30 that Monday morning. Was expecting heavy Monday traffic of people going to work but surprisingly the traffic was quite clear. Went to buy a few packs of nasi lemak for people at my dad's house. Arrived at my dad's place around 8am and saw quite a number of familiar faces around, mainly my cousins all the way from Perlis and Penang. Gave my stepmom a bit of money for the burial expenses. Recited Yasin a few more rounds before the van jenazah arrived around 9am. My dad was taken for his last shower and prayer at Masjid Al-Mujahiddeen Damansara Utama, near the roundabout behind uptown. Hubby looked somewhat lost but I shoved him into the room to mandikan my dad for the last time. We went  in when he was about to be tied up. Both my parents-in-law came to the mosque so they helped to hold Tricia while everything was going on. Performed prayer at the mosque and then off we went to the cemetery. 

The cemetery was quite far, all the way at the end of Kota Damansara. Hubby and I nearly got lost going there. But we made it in time for the burial and recital of talkin. Tricia was tired for waking up so early that she slept in the car through the whole process. Hubby had to wait in the car with her. Everything went so smoothly. The weather was a bright sunny day. It was just a beautiful day. After everyone went back, my stepmom and half-siblings stayed back to recite another round of Yasin. She just wanted to accompany him awhile more. As much as I disliked her, I can feel her pain of losing her husband. It must be very hard to accept and surely a very painful experience. This is my dad's lot number. I'll put it here so that I will never forget.

I settled the payment for the penggali kubur but my stepmom had to add on for my dad's grave. I was not sure who and when to pay that day, that I missed the uztaz. Was told that everything was covered by Khairat Kematian at the mosque but family normally gave some token anyway so I want to give that token to those people who helped. So hubby and I went back to the mosque to settle those payments and arrange for tahlil that night and the night after. We ended up paying the tukang mandi jenazah because hubby mistakenly thought he was the uztaz and then went back to leave another packet for the uztaz who helped managed the whole burial process.

That night, hubby had to settle a few more things but he helped took care of Tricia while I went for the tahlil. Mighty did me a HUGE favor by ordering food and delivering them for the tahlil that night. I ordered the food because I was not sure whether my stepmom had ordered it or not since she didn't reply my message. Was initially quite frustrated to see there were so many food available but family and friends comforted me saying that better more than not enough. Mighty again became my hero and helped to distribute the excess food to other mosque. So everything did go well.

I was late for the second night of tahlil. I cried and cried in the car as I was too frustrated with myself. Nearly gave up and thought of just reciting Yasin from elsewhere but somehow I managed to pull-through. Arrived just in time for Doa. Missed the Yasin altogether so I read on my own after that. Tricia was with me the second night and she was an angel. Hubby arrived slightly later when I was performing Isya' prayer. And my mom was also waiting outside the mosque. We went for dinner nearby and went back later to get our cars. Surprisingly, my stepmom and half-sister were still there. I went on to asked for a copy of my dad's death certificate. She told me it was not ready yet and asked why I was late. I didn't realize she noticed me when I walked in because as usual, I simply just sat there alone, not looking left and right for people I know. I told her I got stucked in the jam and would try to be early for the next one, which is later today.

Looking at her, words suddenly jumped out of my mouth. I asked her how she was. She said it was tough. It was very tough. She said since she worked from home, they always did things together. My father liked to eat so they always went places to eat. My siblings were very affected because they were very close to my dad... because my dad always treated them like friends. And then she said, to tell you the truth, he never performed solat before (which I knew) but she told him, "if you want me to change, you have to change yourself first" and for the past 2 years, he never missed a prayer anymore. Not only that, he always waited for prayer time before going out. MasyaAllah. I never knew he had changed. No wonder the whole burial process was so smooth. No wonder he looked so much at peace. He was definitely ready in the true sense. My heart lifted when I heard about it and Alhamdulillah, I could not have been happier. It was just the right way to go. I hope, when my time comes, I could be as ready as he was. Tears swelled in my eyes. I thanked my stepmom and made my move home. 

For the memory, this is the last picture I have of my late father when he was alive. This picture was taken just a month ago when we brought Tricia to see him. I miss you already, pa. I truly hope your soul are blessed in the afterlife. I love you... and I hope you knew.

What happened when I got the news

I arrived home not knowing where to go next. I asked my mom to call her friend who lived across the street from my dad. She said no one was home. I tried looking on facebook, hoping to find information on my dad's passing but was also half-hoping that the news was not true. Unfortunately, one of his cousins updated about his passing but no other information was given. *blank* This is MY father we are talking about and I didn't have any information whatsoever. Tricia was looking at me one kind since she rarely saw me cry this bad. At that moment, I thought, I could just call my dad's phone. Maybe someone would pick up when they saw my name. No one did. I waited. And lucky enough, my half-sister called back. When I heard her voice, I confirmed the news was true. And we cried together on the phone. She told me that they were at Pusat Perubatan Universiti Malaya PPUM and waiting for doctor's confirmation/police report etc. They don't know whether to bring him back to Bukit Antarabangsa or Damansara Jaya (DJ) just yet and would inform me later.

So I took Tricia up with me and took my shower. My period cleared-up, alhamdulillah, so I could at least pray for him. Performed maghrib prayer, recited Yasin for him and left the house, not knowing where to go. Mom asked us to send Tricia to her before we go. Nyah texted me asking whether we want to go together. Called my dad's phone again and this time my half-brother answered the phone and told me that my father had been brought back to DJ. Sent Tricia to mummy and went to DJ with Abg Amir, Nyah, Pakcik Yaa, Abg Own and Abg Sham. Of course, hubby drove me that night. 

It was raining heavily so I arrived in DJ only around 10pm. I went straight in. Brought my Yasin with me and just sat there and read. When they lifted the white cloth covering his face, reality hit me. It was really him lying there motionless but most importantly looking very peaceful. I tried to stop myself from crying and just continued reading my Yasin. In my mind, I imagined packing him lots and lots of bags of my Doa for him. Bags of Doa from his child for him to bring back with him to see his Creator. I lost count how many rounds of Yasin I read for him. I hope he has plenty of Doa to light his grave.

Family from all over came to pay their last respect. Hubby's side of the family also came. Around 11pm, nyah and family went back. I stayed on until 12am. I was torn that night. I wanted to stay there and be with my dad the whole night until everything was settled. But I looked at my hubby and he looked tired. I knew he hadn't eaten yet. Then I thought about my baby, who was at home with mummy. Then I looked at my hubby and asked him whether I should talk to my stepmom. We had never, I repeat, NEVER had a good relationship all along. I could never carry a single conversation with her that wouldn't end up in a fight. But hubby told me that I should. She went and thank all my family members from hubby side who came. So I should at least reciprocate. At least she took care of my dad all these while.
So I did. I went and talked to her nicely and was really hoping she wouldn't cause a scene like she normally did. To my surprise, she was really nice. I asked her whether she needed me to be there that night. She said I could stay there if I want. Then I told her actually I need to go back to my baby. She replied, then it's okay. Come back tomorrow before the burial and we could carry out the process together. Seeing how nice she was that time, I finally managed to say thank you to her for taking care of my dad all this time. She also said that I shouldn't blame my father for not telling us that he was dying because he didn't want family to know. And she had to respect his wishes. So I told her I didn't blame her because I knew it was my dad who didn't want to tell me. Not her. So I'm fine with it. I accepted it long ago when he never told me he got admitted, only told me when he got discharged.

Hubby took me to Hayaki uptown for dinner before going home to my mom's place. Tricia was already asleep when we arrived and my mom said, she kept going to the window asking for mama and papa before she went to sleep. Reminded my mom to wake me up early in the morning so that I won't missed my dad's burial the next day and went to sleep immediately.

28 April 2013 - The day my father passed away

I don't know how to start this... 

It was the day I feared since I was in primary school. I don't remember how old I was exactly when I first got the news that my father had a heart attack. Was it when I was in Standard 4? Around 10 years old or so. Since then I was always reminded by family members that my dad could leave us anytime. 

Last Sunday, 28 April 2013, my father passed away around 4.30pm. He was 62.5 years. I just finished my CFA class in Sunway at 6pm when I received the call from my uncle, Pakcik Yaa. Shocked but not totally unexpected. You see, a week before, I was working the whole day on a Saturday. Went for dinner with hubby, baby and mummy at Muhibbah that night and I thought I saw my half-sister having dinner with people, who looked like family members but I don't know a single person at that table (except for that girl). I could be wrong though because I wasn't wearing my glasses and my eyesight is quite bad now. So texted my dad on whatsapp as below:

21 April 2013 17:08 - me: Hi pa. How r u?

22 April 2013 07:33 - me: I thot i saw dania at muhibbah saturday night. But I'm not too sure sebab rabun.

22 April 2013 07:34 - me: The ppl ard her looked like family but no one i know. So i didnt say hi la. Takut salah org.

23 April 2013 14:19 - him: She went to bangsar that night with some friends

I texted him on Sunday and Monday morning and he replied only on Tuesday. I knew in my heart that something was not right. He never took so long to reply my message. I called him. He didn't pick up and from the ring tone, I knew he was in the country. I called my uncle to ask whether he has my half-siblings numbers but he didn't. I didn't have any other connection to my dad's family at that time and I felt lost.

So happened, I accidentally left my phone at a restaurant that Tuesday and nearly lost it. But God's willing, the waiter there called me back and I got my phone around 9.30pm. So I replied to his text the next day.

24 April 2013 12:06 - me: Oh salah org then. Sah sah rabun. LOL

24 April 2013 12:06 - me: Nasib baik tak tegur

24 April 2013 12:06 - me: How are you, pa?

26 April 2013 10:36 - him: Ok, fine

I knew he was not fine. But I also knew he wouldn't tell me that he was not. I knew how I was not welcomed into his home by my stepmom so I couldn't just go to his house to see him. I thought of randomly calling the hospitals to ask but which hospital? Even then, I don't think the hospitals would release the information to me. So I quietly told my closest friends and my mom. Mom told me to start reciting Yasin but so happened my period just started that time. I checked his facebook wall. Maybe people who visited him would have tagged him there. There was none. My only consolation that time was that I knew he was still alive. 

When I received the call that evening, my heart sank. I was still in class so I couldn't just break down and cry there. So I ran to my car... walked as fast as I could. Dropped everything. Locked the door and just cried. Phone was running out of battery so I had to connect it to the car-charger first and started texting 2 closest whatsapp groups on my phone... and continued crying.

I didn't have any other information of my dad's whereabout that time so my aim was to reach home to hubby so that he could drive me around. My father-in-law was the first to call me after my husband. I still could not keep my composure that time that I sounded delirious on the phone. The calls that came after was better managed.