I don't have internet at home so whenever I feel like blogging or have an idea on what to blog about I would just stall it until I get into office. Last weekend was a long 4 day-weekend due to CNY holidays. I spent most of my time at home, with Saturday in my KL home when hubby went to work. Naturally I just wanted to curl up, watch TV, catch up with the never ending house work etc and TRY to do a little bit of studying in between. Somehow, maybe due to the effect of watching TOO MUCH Grey's Anatomy & Desperate Housewives series, I had time to reflect on life... My life. The question of whether I am happy now?
*The entry is a bit too long so if you are too lazy to read, just skip the whole thing and go to the last paragraph. That should summarize everything.*
I must admit I am blessed through out my life. Despite my difficult childhood, I did have it good in all other aspects. What I am about to type I think will come out a bit perasan so bear with me a little. This is all that has been playing out in my head yesterday. In my primary school days, I think my bestfriend and I are among the "famous" girls in school. Mostly because we are loud and we mixed with boys. "Famous" I say because kids in school like to tease both of us by pairing us up with all the "famous" boys. Plus it was a very small school. No, both of us didn't have any bf then. My philosophy was why would I need a bf now? Pretty useless to be in a "committed relationship" at that time, don't you think? Needless to say, I scored top grades all year round. I was always top in my class and the worst I got in my whole 6 years in primary school was top 10 for the whole standard. Pretty good, yes but I guess despite all that I lacked leadership skills (although I was a prefect, I was not the head girl or anything) and I was pretty rough for a girl, getting into fights all the time.
Then I went to a boarding school for my secondary education. Being in one of the top girls boarding schools in the country, my grades became average among the rest. I was not the best anymore and for awhile I found it difficult to adapt... no boys for me to beat up or get into a fight with. As time passed by, I studied harder to get into the best class (to be with one of my bestfriends), which I did, took up more responsibilities along the way, became quieter because of that, but again, still did not hold any top post in school. I dated... not really but went out with people... but again refused to be committed in a relationship as I felt that I was not ready although sometimes I did feel a bit lonely inside. But being committed to my studies and extra-curricular activites kept me busy and occupied. Left school with straight A1s for my SPM.
Left TKC, went to MMU for awhile before I got my JPA scholarship (where I got to know and befriended my hubby in real life instead of virtually) and later enrolled myself into KMYS for my A-Levels. Here, my grades again became average... not because I didn't do well. I still scored straight As for my A-Levels. Still managed to get an A for my maths though I did HORRIBLY for my paper 4 because I had a fight with my then bf (my hubby now) the night before. I was average because I had to struggle to score and everyone else was just very good, smart and so much better. However, to my amazement, I manage to finally hold a top post, not the college students' council but I was at least the house captain. It was something.
And as you might have guessed, it was after I left school that I was finally ready to be in a relationship. It was a whirlwind, crazy, awkward relationship. Both of us were first-timers with this relationship thingy. It was hard trying to reconcile the differences on how a guy & a girl thinks/feels, both coming for a single-sex school background. Our relationship only officially began after I went to KMYS, which means we were in a LDR for 5 years. 2 years while I was doing A-Levels and 3 years while I was doing my degree. It was the craziest, most happening phase in my life. For the first time, I was really happy, at the same time I could be REALLY sad when we got into a fight, which was all too often. But we worked things out and managed to hold the relationship together.
I came back from the UK, got my degree, work for 2 years before we finally tied the knot. I would say with all the good grades, straight As, excellent extra-curricular records, I actually now lead a pretty average life, nothing outstanding about it. I must say I should be thankful with all the blessings I have, but all those achievements before don't really matter now. True, it got my to where I am now. I am MOST thankful for that. I earn enough to make a living out of it. But what matters most to me now is that I am happily married to the love of my life, happy to be leading a boring life in the suburb with him. Happy to cuddle all day long. Happy to hug him to sleep and to wake up with him by my side. I am not outstanding in any way anymore and I am happy. It is bad actually, I think because people kept telling me that they have high hopes for me. Whatever~ If the opportunity comes along, great! It not, I would like to say I feel contented with my life now. Okay. I do hope bigger things happen to me... getting a big project/raise/promotion whatever, but for now, I am just happy. =)
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