Guilt over not breastfeeding

When I was pregnant, I was very determined to fully breast-feed (bf) my baby once she's born. Sadly, it didn't materialize. She refused to latch on me, possibly because of the short nipple that I have. Tried my very best to not introduce formula milk to the baby in her early days. Forced her to bf on me and agreed to let her latch on my cousin's wife, her "ibu susu", but we didn't (and still don't) live nearby so we couldn't really rely on her.

The first few days, I only produced like 6 drops of colostrum from every pumping session. Only on day 5, a day after my massage session, that I finally started to produce milk. By then, she was already on formula. Since she still refused to latch, I pumped like mad, especially when we found out that she had jaundice. I either fed her EBM exclusively using a bottle or I mixed it in her formula milk. I felt like a milking cow. At week 1, Manoq suggested I get the nipple shield. It worked for awhile but with everything that was going on at that moment, I felt more comfortable pumping. It was a very very very stressful period and I cried like mad. Some people's comments just made me felt worse.

After nearly 2 weeks, I produced around 1 oz of milk from every pumping session. Joy. However, as the baby's need started to increase, my milk production stayed the same. At 3 weeks, it went to 3/4 oz and later it went to half. At 1 month,  I just stopped.

At week 7, I received my weekly email from baby center and it was very comforting to read this.

Your life: Guilt over not breastfeeding

Today's society puts a lot of pressure on new moms to breastfeed. No doubt breast milk is the perfect first food. However, there are many reasons why breastfeeding just doesn't work for some women and their babies, including illness, discomfort, and frustration. Guilt over not breastfeeding can hit especially hard if you had planned during pregnancy to do so but then circumstances made it impossible or more difficult than you'd expected. Both breast milk and commercial formula nourish growing babies. If you've given up on breastfeeding — or are thinking of doing so — be sure to discuss your choice with your doctor or a certified lactation consultant. Talk through your feelings and don't be too hard on yourself. The main thing to remember is that how you feed your baby is ultimately not as important as providing love and care.

Well, I did see a lactation consultant recently. Not for myself and my baby, but to accompany my sister-in-law (SIL) who is due soon. She couldn't bf her first baby so she wanted to seek more help for her second one. I am all excited to support her after what I had been through. After my SIL session, the lactation consultant had a look at my baby and found out that she has a tied tongue that made it difficult for her to latch on to me. So it was not just one factor but a few factors combined that made it so difficult for us. It's okay, sayang. Just know that I love you very very much no matter what. As for me, better luck next time. ^-^